November 17, 2014 12:48AM
I am okay. Am currently neither super high nor super low. I am just okay.
It has been my 4th month as a graduate student, a semi-bum, a full-time MRT traveler (yeah that can be considered as a full time job), a data encoder, a racketeer engineer (engineer na rumaraket), a party planner, a concert program director of sorts, a camp planner of sorts, a BOT member, a poop cleaner, a part-time dog walker, a regular DLTB Cubao last trip bus passenger, a struggling person at weight management (kelan ba naging hindi), an emerging anti-social, a sometimes sad person, a sometimes happy person, and a full time lunatic i guess.
I don't understand why most of these days are happening. Time has been flying down too fast and information has been flowing to fast also that I barely have time to process and comprehend everything. I wish I still have the time and the patience mostly to reflect and process things that have been going on lately. As forever is my battle cry.. this growing up thing SUCKS. Well not entirely. I'm half and half about it (I might have talked about this in my blog before) .
Yeah I am half and half in a sense that I like the growing up part wherein i have my own money, i can make my own decisions and i can just do pretty much everything that i want most of the time. What I hate is the complications that life inevitably brings along. The facts that you have to consider 'life' or what you should make out of it in the future. I hate it because its scary to look into the future. I hate it because it feels like this stage is somewhat crucial, somewhat like decisions made today will cause irreparable consequences.
I am having a hard time digesting truths and facts that I need to consider the things that I thought was still too far off from before. Graduate studies is starting to become fun-ish? because the sem is about to end and the requirements are already starting to pile up... yet the learning curve is still on that level where it hasn't even reached the point where its about to go up to the exponential increase... not helping at all.
Days are sometimes lonely. Especially, because I am wasting most of my time in travelling to and fro campuses. Staring aimlessly and blankly at windows can sometimes be depressing. Furthermore, the introvert self has been acting up more often. An evidence of this would have to be my current phantom state in my dormitory. I do not know if its just me or the graduate vibe of independence and minding our own businesses. But I am a pure phantom in the dormitory. I do not know anyone other than my perky, bubbly and energetic roommate. I do not even know the name of the guard or the person whom I buy food from. I do not know because I do not ask and I do not ask because I do not care. Is it bad? If it is.. well i do not care. hahaha. Well thing is, the thought that if for some unfortunate mishap I suddenly die in UP Diliman... no one will notice or no one will care to notice that I'm gonna be missing iiiissss a bit depressing. So I try not to dwell too much on it. I try to study and not understanding what your studying is kinda of a bit depressing too. Haha
Good days are there as well. The cutie patootsie dog is a super happy part of life. The happy three friends message thread is definitely a breath of fresh air when there is no else to talk to but the computer. Small things like the new netbook battery, a massage, a pedicure, an effictively nice moisturizer etc is making me happy. Balancing out the sometimes lonely days. A phone call, a feel good movie, making someone happy or just the everyday funny mishaps like almost missing a train staion or missing the bus stop... is making me laugh. A curious stare from a person i unintentionally smiled at was something interesting. A 2500 Php round trip ticket to an international destination next year is definitely making me happy.
By now, I have fully accepted the fact that loneliness and sadness lurks in every corner. But, its up to me to choose whether to let it affect me or not. Its up to me to manage betrayal, frustrations, disappointments, stresses etc. I now know and understand that my life does not belong to me, and i do not have control and I do not have the right to it. Because in the end, whatever plans and dreams i build.. its the Lord's that always prevails. So due to prior disappointments and admitted defeats, I have become a little bit passive about things. So, I am just living it one day at time. Trying to enjoy what one day brings, and trying to learn from a bad day, so that I'd know better how to handle it when it comes again the following morning. I am deciding whom i want to become and I am learning whom I don't want to be like.
these days.. are interesting... these days are okay. or not.. maybe. I do not and i still do not understand. But i am not trying to understand... I am just trying to live one day to eventually arrive at tomorrow.
It has been my 4th month as a graduate student, a semi-bum, a full-time MRT traveler (yeah that can be considered as a full time job), a data encoder, a racketeer engineer (engineer na rumaraket), a party planner, a concert program director of sorts, a camp planner of sorts, a BOT member, a poop cleaner, a part-time dog walker, a regular DLTB Cubao last trip bus passenger, a struggling person at weight management (kelan ba naging hindi), an emerging anti-social, a sometimes sad person, a sometimes happy person, and a full time lunatic i guess.
I don't understand why most of these days are happening. Time has been flying down too fast and information has been flowing to fast also that I barely have time to process and comprehend everything. I wish I still have the time and the patience mostly to reflect and process things that have been going on lately. As forever is my battle cry.. this growing up thing SUCKS. Well not entirely. I'm half and half about it (I might have talked about this in my blog before) .
Yeah I am half and half in a sense that I like the growing up part wherein i have my own money, i can make my own decisions and i can just do pretty much everything that i want most of the time. What I hate is the complications that life inevitably brings along. The facts that you have to consider 'life' or what you should make out of it in the future. I hate it because its scary to look into the future. I hate it because it feels like this stage is somewhat crucial, somewhat like decisions made today will cause irreparable consequences.
I am having a hard time digesting truths and facts that I need to consider the things that I thought was still too far off from before. Graduate studies is starting to become fun-ish? because the sem is about to end and the requirements are already starting to pile up... yet the learning curve is still on that level where it hasn't even reached the point where its about to go up to the exponential increase... not helping at all.
Days are sometimes lonely. Especially, because I am wasting most of my time in travelling to and fro campuses. Staring aimlessly and blankly at windows can sometimes be depressing. Furthermore, the introvert self has been acting up more often. An evidence of this would have to be my current phantom state in my dormitory. I do not know if its just me or the graduate vibe of independence and minding our own businesses. But I am a pure phantom in the dormitory. I do not know anyone other than my perky, bubbly and energetic roommate. I do not even know the name of the guard or the person whom I buy food from. I do not know because I do not ask and I do not ask because I do not care. Is it bad? If it is.. well i do not care. hahaha. Well thing is, the thought that if for some unfortunate mishap I suddenly die in UP Diliman... no one will notice or no one will care to notice that I'm gonna be missing iiiissss a bit depressing. So I try not to dwell too much on it. I try to study and not understanding what your studying is kinda of a bit depressing too. Haha
Good days are there as well. The cutie patootsie dog is a super happy part of life. The happy three friends message thread is definitely a breath of fresh air when there is no else to talk to but the computer. Small things like the new netbook battery, a massage, a pedicure, an effictively nice moisturizer etc is making me happy. Balancing out the sometimes lonely days. A phone call, a feel good movie, making someone happy or just the everyday funny mishaps like almost missing a train staion or missing the bus stop... is making me laugh. A curious stare from a person i unintentionally smiled at was something interesting. A 2500 Php round trip ticket to an international destination next year is definitely making me happy.
By now, I have fully accepted the fact that loneliness and sadness lurks in every corner. But, its up to me to choose whether to let it affect me or not. Its up to me to manage betrayal, frustrations, disappointments, stresses etc. I now know and understand that my life does not belong to me, and i do not have control and I do not have the right to it. Because in the end, whatever plans and dreams i build.. its the Lord's that always prevails. So due to prior disappointments and admitted defeats, I have become a little bit passive about things. So, I am just living it one day at time. Trying to enjoy what one day brings, and trying to learn from a bad day, so that I'd know better how to handle it when it comes again the following morning. I am deciding whom i want to become and I am learning whom I don't want to be like.
these days.. are interesting... these days are okay. or not.. maybe. I do not and i still do not understand. But i am not trying to understand... I am just trying to live one day to eventually arrive at tomorrow.
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