26th

at 26 I am disappointed, at 26 I am frustrated, at 26 I am angry 

and at 26 I am mad at God. 

it has been months now of pasting smiles and laughing cued laughters. crying bitter tears to sleep is becoming too often.

I am being too hard on myself for not achieving the supposed plan, for not getting something that I know I can do and something that I know I am definitely better at. 

I had backups, I had plan Bs, but the sentiments of being a proud person is not really helping.

I have no plans to be peachy preachy about better plans. I have no plans to force myself to feel better when I really don't feel like it. I will not force myself to do anything that I do not like.

I will just let things be for now.

I will let myself be mad. I will let myself cry bitter tears of frustrations. I will let myself hate.

This will eventually pass. I will eventually be tired of being mad, be tired of crying and be tired of hating.

I am letting myself fall. I do not want to hold on to anything. Because I am still mad and frustrated.

I still do my devotions whenever I feel like it. This was the message today:

Disappointment—His appointment
No good thing will He withhold;
From denials oft we gather
Treasures of His love untold. —Young

Look for God’s purpose in your next interruption.

Until such time that I mend. Until such time that I heal. I will paste that smile, I will laugh on cue, and I will look and think that I am my normal happy self...