the shenanigans of eenamorata

What filled me with enthusiasm today? Playing with the scoresheets! It felt good and satisfying to code again.  What drained me of energy today? Unprofessionalism and disregard for time. It baffles me how official, non-urgent leadership meetings without a proper agenda can be scheduled just a day before, and everyone simply accepts it as if there's nothing wrong with wasting people's time and energy on inefficient meetings.   What did I learn about myself today? Being in my current institution, I thought I had completely changed, but I’m pleased to realize that I still hold onto certain values and standards. I don’t want to lose them; in fact, I want to intentionally preserve those values and standards.

What filled me with enthusiasm today? A good, slow breakfast with friends at a café with a beautiful view. And sleep! What drained me of energy today? I'm not sure if I can even consider today legitimate. I wasn’t functioning for three-quarters of the day. Several things contributed: waking up super early and not being able to sleep well because I was worried I wouldn’t wake up on time and additions to the set schedule that was stamped in my brain. What did I learn about myself today? I learned that I still struggle with accommodating additional plans that weren’t part of the original schedule. I can tolerate it better now, but not without some internal challenges.

   What filled me with enthusiasm today? Definitely the lunch date with Zaza and Stef. It provided me with some much-needed respite from a hectic time. We had a lovely time sharing life and conversations. We also agreed to follow a guide that encourages us to try and read the Bible from cover to cover. We started with Day 01 today, which was, as expected, the first chapter of Genesis. It was exactly the intellectual fix I had been craving for quite some time now. I love my job, and I know it's within academia, but it's mostly about giving to others. I hate to admit it, but I haven't been receiving the intellectual stimulation I need from where I spend most of my time lately. Today, however, we spent around four hours sharing our thoughts and hearts with one another. It was the mental exercise I needed to feel truly rested. It felt like a safe space.  What drained me of energy today? Waking up early on a Saturday morning because I had to facilitate an admissions procedure...

  What filled me with enthusiasm today? Besides spending time with my dog, I definitely enjoyed sleeping! After a long day at work and handling some schedules for my students, I went home, had dinner, and crashed. Gone are the days when Friday nights were filled with outings and parties—because this girl just isn’t that cool anymore. That also explains why I’m writing day 06 on day 07. What drained me of energy today? It was the additional work after hours. I don’t know, but work always feels like it all comes crashing hard on Friday nights. It didn’t help that some students requested makeup tests after school hours yesterday, so I had to stay longer than I was supposed to.   What did I learn about myself today? I learned that I’m really bad at online dating. No wonder nothing has worked. But in my defense, when my social battery runs out, it’s completely drained. Sometimes, I don’t even have the capacity to talk to anyone, let alone put in the effort to get to know someo...

What filled me with enthusiasm today? Besides spending time with my dog, I enjoyed being in the classroom with my students, particularly my Grade 12 Science classes. I love that I can now interact with them more comfortably, or at least it seems that way. I find it both funny and endearing that one of my students has been calling me "bruh," though I know I really shouldn’t tolerate it. What drained me of energy today? Today was mostly fine. I'm still happily overwhelmed with work, but it felt manageable since I was still able to go to my side hustle and start a new term in my graduate studies. One point of stress, however, is that airfare prices remain incredibly high. I still can't book my flight home for December, and I dread Philippine airports during the holidays. Christmas is nice, it gives me all the warm fuzzies just thinking about it, but the airports during that time are just dreadful. So, I'm not excited about that, and I’m quite frustrated with the tick...

What filled me with enthusiasm today? Besides spending time with my dog, I am enjoying the benefits of my experience. I find it invigorating to teach and share what I know with confidence. It feels good to be able to share what I’m currently sharing with less preparation and stress. The sugar high is still working, and I haven’t had any headaches today. What drained me of energy today? Work. There was so much work that the day didn’t seem long enough to finish everything. I think it’s part of my cycle. I remember feeling this overwhelmed and on autopilot just before burning out. Ha! I just feel tired in general. What did I learn about myself today? Besides being a caffeine junkie, I’ve realized that I’m also a work junkie. It’s still hard for me to say no to extra work, but I’m learning. I’ve been actively and consciously saying no to side hustles lately and directing them to a colleague who’s looking for additional work. Learning to say no to work is part of my character development.

  What filled me with enthusiasm today? Besides my dog, it was caffeine and sugar that got me through the day. I decided to ditch the diet and treat myself to a second cup of coffee with sugar. It was so uncharacteristic of me, but it miraculously relieved my headache. I actually felt better after that caffeine and sugar kick. Could it be that the headaches are from low sugar? What drained me of energy today? Today was actually a bit better than yesterday. It’s still busy, with plenty of backlogs and distractions to deal with, but nothing out of the ordinary. If I had to pinpoint something that drained me or maybe just irked me today, it would be the pre-emptive questions and admin-related issues thrown my way. It was fine, just work. But what really got to me were the questions I might not have the answers to, though I definitely knew the reasons behind them asking. I was just pretending not to know their reasons What did I learn about myself today? I’ve made significant progress ...

What filled me with enthusiasm today? Besides my dog, I finally decided to purchase the new mini rice cooker. There’s just something comforting about warm rice.  What drained me of energy today? There was just too much work. The free pockets of time after my 7-4 work day were spent trying to breathe and take care of myself. I have a lot of backlog with grading my students' papers, writing teacher feedback, making report cards, and so on. It's just too much. I don't know how I can cope. So really, it was all about work today. And forget the diet—I needed some sugar today. Despite the coffee fix I had in the morning, I was still nursing a bad headache throughout the day. I’m not sure if it's still caffeine-related. What did I learn about myself today? I think I'm tired and overworked.

It's been a while since I've been here. It's quite interesting to look back and see how the old me thought, and how much I still feel the same in some ways while also being different in others. I think I want to try and revive this space because I've been feeling a bit lonely and wanting someone to talk to at the end of the day. And since it's usually just me and my dog after long days at work or on weekends, I thought maybe I'd write it down instead of paying for a therapist. So, I'm currently at a crossroads. I think I know what to do for the next year, but I still don't know the answer to the "where" part of things at the moment. But more than that, I kind of want to assess where I'm at. I saw this Instagram reel (I know it's not the most reliable source, but it seems okay) about a 30-day exercise where I carve out 15 minutes of my day to answer three questions in a notebook. Instead of writing in a notebook, I'll write here inst...

I was on a regular commute yesterday to school, was comfortably seated at the back of the driver's seat and I was just sound tripping to some random playlist on Spotify. As the bus traveled from Los Baños to Calamba, a tall, dark, well-built, and modest looking guy with a shirt saying that he comes from a government institution sat beside me. Was a little bit pleased to have a bit of an eye candy on a seemingly regular trip to the metro. Nothing extraordinary happened, he slept, I continued to let my thoughts fly etc.  Now, the bus really started to get jam-packed as it stopped in the last station before doing a non-stop run towards the expressway. This is where an old lady got in; and since everyone was standing already, the driver's assistant had her sit in front--on that part of the bus where they put the machine underneath. Not a comfortable position for a lady that is probably in her late 70's or early 80's.  I was comfortably seated on my favorite wind...

Today I am asking God of two things from 1 Corinthians 1:25. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. At this point in time, I need a little bit of God's foolishness to handle things that my cerebral heart could not understand. A little bit of God's strength to keep my heart steady and focused into the tasks that He wants me to face. Irregardless of how willing I think I am to entertain seemingly welcome distractions that are not pursuing me anyway. Giving up for the nth time, letting God take my heart for safekeeping. So that my foolishness will be cured by His and my weakness be supplemented by His strength. So that if anyone wants to have it, the only way to get it is through the pursuit of God alone.  

Una sa lahat, mahal ko ang aking bayan. Ito nga siguro ang kasalukuyang naguudyok sa akin para manatili at piliin ang pagtuturo sa unibersidad. Lubos akong nagaalala dahil hanggang ngayon ay wala pa rin akong mapiling kandidato. Alam kong hindi ako magisa dito, pero ang weird lang this time kasi wala talaga akong mapili AT ALL.  Kasalukuyang mas lumalakas ang appeal sa akin na maging apathetic at mangibang bansa na lang para mas malaki ang kitaing pera. Itapon na yang idealismo nang paglilingkod sa bayan at paghubog ng mga iskolar nito crap kung ganyan lamang din naman ang mga pagpipiliang presidente. Mahal ko ang aking bayan, at nalulungkot ako dahil sa tingin ko... the Philippines deserves better candidates than the ones we have now. Wala akong mapiling presidente dahil: Ayaw ko ng presidente na walang moral compass. Lalo pa kung ginagamit niya ang kanyang kapangyarihan para mangamkam ng mga lupa at ariarian. Although nag aagree ako na may mga kandidatong tuso at maga...

I thought it would be fun to share some reflections on my personal quiet time today. It has been a while since I sat down to write and reflect about things that I have been reading, and I somehow had an "AHA" moment with it, thus the decision to share it here. My devotion today is from ODB, and the Bible reading is on Deuteronomy 6:1-12 The author started by acknowledging that God wanted him to say the things that he was about to say. Then verse 2 immediately follows with the effects f those things, such as,  my children and their children may fear the Lord, as long as I live and keep the commands that God was giving me. [an inter-generational promise.. pretty neat actually] enjoy life He then addresses Israel in general, sort of reminding them to follow and obey also. But, what caught my attention is that the reminder was again followed by its effects. Which are: so that it may go well with me increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey ju...

I am pretty sure that yesterday was a pretty good day. I got my requirements approved and I was given the privilege to attend to a pretty cool meeting with the vice president of our university. To be honest, I was a bit wary of her at the start because people were giving negative feedback about her. But, I stand corrected. Because, as I was observing her during the meeting, I was really impressed by her character. She seemed to be well-mannered, definitely educated, motherly, and she exudes an aura of humble confidence.  As we were presenting the report, I was really happy that her response was that of appreciation and enlightenment. Sulit pagod for the past few nights when I have been burning the midnight oil for it. Got more impressed when she told us that she did not know that we had other options for the university issues that we were trying to address. She said, We should not be emotionally attached to our decisions. Beautiful beautiful perspective! Today I am h...

Two big words that I figured is something that I probably need to learn soon or die sometime later. I have been majorly procrastinating (just like right now. hahaha. but I think I need to pour these thoughts down before being able to be productive again.. hopefully) about the things that I need to do, and am most of the time blaming the recent incidents of sadness, disappointments, hurts, fatigue, trauma, and whatnot dramas for not having the drive to do anything... for letting myself fall into the dark nights of the soul and for basically self destructing at some point. Now, I am deciding that it is time to move on. Along with this comes the realization that it is a blessing to have people to go and spill your heart with when these dark nights come. Being able to just talk and share and just have someone to listen, never fails to give light to a dark night. And, as painful as it sometimes is.. my daily devotions is teaching me that it is also a blessing to experience the people o...

I played the katulong card again today. :) After finishing the final touches on my programming assignment, due today, someone came knocking at our door... Person: pwede po sa may ari ng bahay? Me: Bakit? Ano pong kailangan nila? Person: ay makikisuyo po kami (something something I did not pay attention really) Me: [in my best katulong voice] ay surry wala po si mam at se ser ---> and the person went away So, when I got out of the house looking cleaned up and amo-like I got really bad stares from them. Hahaha. I really don't care. Its my birthday and I think I'm pretty much allowed to do anything that I want. Hahaha I greatly appreciate those who remembered me today and those who will (this post...). This is a different birthday from the ones I was used to because I don't really feel like celebrating. With a presentation, a thesis proposal writeup, an exam, two newsletters, a funding proposal,  a utility application and a recent death in the family... A celebr...

Ten years has passed since I first walked the streets of campus X. As a young and ambitious 4 th year high school student, getting a coveted spot into the most prestigious university of this country was a dream that came true. I felt like I’d be one of the most successful people there is because I got into that uni. Back then, it was definitely something I was very proud of.   However, it was then that I first realized that dreams coming true only gave me a cloud nine feeling at the start. After that, I’ll have to work hard for the journey that lies ahead.  Adjusting to university life was one of the struggles that hit me hard in the face. Being an only child, it was then that I first learned that living away from home was not easy. My dorm mates then would remember me now as “that girl who always cried in her room and denied it (despite the evidence)”.  The new faces, cultures, and places were a bit shocking and it felt like the whole world was unfolding very fas...

The last few months were VERY busy (still is actually); but these ideas need to be written down before they get clouded with the innumerable stuff that are going on in my life right now. Not that there is actually anything going on going on lately... its just that I am terribly busy with the coursework for masters degree, a thesis proposal, a research paper that i volunteered in, a university position paper that i volunteered in also, an electrical plan, a utility application and an outdoor leadership camp that is coming in less than a month now. I am not able to focus on some actually.. but all these I need to do... My life currently revolves around these things... rather quite boring... or can be just too busy to accommodate much of social related events- especially romantic ones (which I never get anyway or maybe fail to notice.. whatever). I was in the library (which I frequent often these days), trying to populate the reading list that will be crucial for the formulation o...

I am okay. Am currently neither super high nor super low. I am just okay. It has been my 4th month as a graduate student, a semi-bum, a full-time MRT traveler (yeah that can be considered as a full time job), a data encoder, a racketeer engineer (engineer na rumaraket), a party planner, a concert program director of sorts, a camp planner of sorts, a BOT member, a poop cleaner, a part-time dog walker, a regular DLTB Cubao last trip bus passenger, a struggling person at weight management (kelan ba naging hindi), an emerging anti-social, a sometimes sad person, a sometimes happy person, and a full time lunatic i guess. I don't understand why most of these days are happening. Time has been flying down too fast and information has been flowing to fast also that I barely have time to process and comprehend everything. I wish I still have the time and the patience mostly to reflect and process things that have been going on lately. As forever is my battle cry.. this growing up thing S...

A lot has happened since I wrote anything about anything. I am basically the same person who travels on the side and does something full-time. My something full-time is the one thing that's different... I am currently taking up my graduate degree and I am somehow (surprisingly) enjoying it. Living away from home and dorm-ing is somehow surprisingly fun too. I am most of the time happy-ish with what I have, even though there are definitely some down-days where I'd dread the thought of going home to the dorm to dine ALONE in front of my computer. Everyday is now becoming a quest to look for healthy-ish food. Ever since I came here, my eating patterns and habits have definitely become chaotic, as my meals were today and yesterday: Today: Breakfast (9am): skyflakes (3 crackers), hansel (4 cookies) Lunch (2:30pm): rice, pinakbet, longganisa, cassava cake Dinner (9:45 pm): banana, calamansi juice, hansel (8 cookies), coffee Yesterday: Breakfast: skipped Lunch (5pm): ...